Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Unstable World of Stable

I am finding that living in the world of "STABLE" is hard.  ALMOST as hard as living in the world, where we saw the doctor every week, to monitor 3 brain tumors.

Let me explain.

When Bailey's tumors were discovered...It sent us into another world.  A world filled with weekly doctor visits, MRI scans, blood draws, fevers, nausea....Writing about it, being 2 yrs removed from that life, is surreal.

It's a blur...I don't remember how we managed.

We were given so much attention...And we felt "safe".   At least I DID.  We knew that if anything were to go wrong...That our doctors were RIGHT THERE....And that they knew us.  They knew our story.

Being "stable" scares me.  Because I know any moment, that could change.  Any moment, life can send us right back to that other world.  A world that we have become strangers to.

At our last MRI...The news of "STABLE" sent a very uncomfortable feeling -- "See you in a year!"  I should be celebrating this news...Right?  I did celebrate...But....

This news made me feel like these doctors have no idea how suddenly and abruptly life can change....You would think - that working with children with cancer, they would understand this!

They sent us away...Like ending a relationship...A breaking of hearts.

Don't they get it...?

Stable means NOTHING to me.

A year from now, we will be strangers to our doctors.  Our story forgotten.

I feel like the tumors in my daughters head, are just a ticking bomb.  I mean, they came from out of no where...We were blindsided, when they showed up on the MRI ...Why wouldn't our doctors want to monitor them more closely ...?  A year is a long time.

I keep reminding myself that STABLE is a good thing.  But we were stable before those tumors were found...Then got the wind knocked out of us.

I can't relax.  The moment I get comfortable with STABLE....Everything changes.


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

2015 Bucket List

I LOVE January!  A fresh New Year....Means a fresh New Start!  As I have said in previous posts...I don't really do resolutions....I just feel they set me up for failure...and who wants that?!

Last week, I was watching The Biggest Loser...Rob (my least favorite contestant) met with Dolvet to rappel  down a waterfall cliff and threw his typical tantrum.  He was scared.  He was filled with excuses.

In Rob's mind...He was still that 400 pound guy.

In THAT moment.  Rob became my favorite.  (I could do without the anger-infused crying though)  I related with him in a very personal way.  I totally got the fear.  The hesitation.

Today...I am at the healthiest weight that I have ever been.  Even my own doctor told me, that for a 40 year old mother of six...I was "perfect"...and that I should focus on "maintaining rather than losing"....

It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I am not considered "FAT" anymore.  My mind ALWAYS goes to that-FAT-GIRL-who-needs-to-lose-AT-LEAST-100-pounds!  And in a lot of ways, my mind believes that I am still her.  As hard as I try to let that girl go....Parts of me cling to her...Because I am afraid to let her go.  Scared that if I do...I won't know who I am, without her.

It's such a hard and confusing battle.  I can't even begin to understand it.

I should be embracing the body I have worked so hard for...But instead, I use my fear, to stop me from doing things.

So...Today - I have my 2015 Bucket List.  Things that scare the crud out of me...But also excite me.  Things that - The 242 pound girl stopped me from doing....

  1. Rappel Down a mountain.
  2. Run a Marathon
  3. Scuba Dive
  4. Learn to Ski
  5. Camp with just a tent and a sleeping bag
  6. Para glide (scares the pants off me!)
  7. Volunteer in a soup kitchen during a holiday
  8. Do public speaking for an audience of 1,000 or more (GULP!  I have done it in front of 250)
  9. Get a tummy tuck (losing 120 pounds is great...but the aftermath is not so wonderful)
  10. Have the honeymoon with my hubby - that we never got the chance to have!
  11. Learn to play an instrument
  12. Go on a cruise
  13. Be comfortable in a bathing suit - in PUBLIC
  14. Get a tattoo
  15.   Zipline.
  16. Update scrapbooks
  17. Paint - 
  18. Take pictures- 
  19. Send "thinking of you" cards out 
  20. Go to a party that does not include children...and be SOCIAL. *yikes*
  21. Get some of my tumors removed
  22. Spend time in a hotel room...and order room service
  23. Get on TV
  24. Learn skills to fight off a potential attacker
  25. Learn to ride a motorcycle 
These are just my TOP 25....All are do-able if I WANT THEM TO HAPPEN.  I have to let the fear go.  I have to realize that, that 242 pound girl is someone I have to let go of.  Just like a past relationship....I have to learn and grow from that person...So that I can be a better ME NOW.



Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Living Intentionally

I stopped setting New Year's Resolutions a few years back.  Not because I don't believe in them...Because I do believe in setting goals.  I just don't like the pressure that a New Year brings, to get me to try to be better at something.

So...Like last year....I will


Live a life that sets an example of what THRIVING means.

*Life is made up of choices!  Everyday is a NEW CHANCE of endless opportunity!  The past is past and TODAY is a brand new day!

*Know WHO I AM and focus on the stuff I am good at!  AND KEEP DOING THAT STUFF!!!



But I WILL HAVE ATTAINABLE GOALS!  *Ones that inspire me to keep going!!*

FOCUS my energy on MY LIFE and how I can be better at things that MATTER!


Sunday, December 7, 2014


I met with a good friend recently.  We talked, like we always do.  She is a very spiritual woman, who is strong in her faith...And I always go away from our meetings feeling very uplifted.  She has this way about her...That always seems to encourage me.

And...Although sometimes I don't feel like it...She tells me that I also encourage her.  It's amazing the impact that SOMETHING...or SOMEONE can make...without really intending to.

When I began this blog 7 yrs ago....It's intention was to put myself out there...Tell MY story, so that somewhere...Somebody would feel less alone.  I wanted to Inspire...Uplift...And Encourage those living with Neurofibromatosis...And help them see that a THRIVING LIFE was possible!

A few years ago, I began to end my blog posts with "THRIVE ON!".....Which has been echoed back to me several times, which really makes me feel GREAT!

So GREAT, in fact that it has been the staple of how I live my life!

I want to share with you a way that YOU TOO...can show what a THRIVING LIFE looks like!  A way to LIVE PROUD...And shout to the world that YOU ARE AN OVER-COMER!  A person who doesn't let life's obstacles hold them back!!

Cancer?  Brain Tumors?  Neurofibromatosis?  THRIVE ON means that you go beyond JUST DEALING WITH IT!  You FACE IT!  YOU EMBRACE IT!  And you THRIVE with IT!

Get your T-shirt now by clicking on the shirt of your choice....Join ME as with THRIVE THROUGH LIFE!


Friday, December 5, 2014

Holy Christmas Lights Batman!

What's Christmas without Christmas lights...?

I love decorating for the holidays....Christmas especially.  But I have never gotten up on the roof to put up lights.  For one...I HATE heights and had imagined myself tumbling off the roof, clinging to the gutters screaming for anyone to come help me!

I also had a fear of being that lady who can make it ON the roof...But the only way down was calling the Fire Dpt.

Well- neither happened....And THIS year, our house has LIGHTS~ AND a giant wreath made out of an old hula-hoop!

FEAR- It has stopped me from doing so many things.  I'm not sure why fear has all this power...When the JOY I get from doing something I feared has SO MUCH MORE power!?  It's like this lesson - that needs to be taught over and over and over...and I STILL don't trust in it.

The FEAR wins, almost every time.  

I'm still willing to learn though...So that's good...right?

Have you done something you feared? How did it make you feel? Do you let fear stop you from going towards something that could bring you joy?

This Christmas Season I hope that it does nothing but fill you with love and joy!