Sunday, August 2, 2009
I heard a really good sermon today. It was entitled, "Man does not live by bread alone". I didn't hear anything new today, but I heard it in a new way.
The sermon talked about how we as humans require validation....someone to tell us we are worth something....And how people, in general look for that validation in everything but God. I know I do this all the time. I search and search for people to make me feel okay with life.....It rarely works, and usually backfires. I end up longing for more, and feeling worse than before.
We all have a "hunger"....for validation. Some try to fill that hunger using relationships, food, work, sexuality, adventure.....so desperate to fill that need...only to fall short, longing for more. Unmet desires can be very frustrating. God knows every single desire of my heart...if I started with Him, the path would have been easier.
I have prayed and prayed .... trying to show God my desires. I want this NF to go away. I get so mad at it sometimes, that I have often wondered if it was a curse. "How can I possibly live and learn anything from such a horrible disease?" A lot of this anger stems from watching my own mom, blame God for damning us.
But as I grew and learned more about God, I began to turn away and plug my ears, whenever my mother would go on one of her rants about this disease. I refused to listen to it...and would often tell her to shut up. I saw how empty my mother was, and how trying to fill her hunger, was not my job.
Even today, my mother holds so much guilt and anger over this and will probably never let it go. I had a conversation with her on Saturday, we talked about what's happening in my life, and with the kids. I felt hesitant to bring up the issues my NF kids have been facing, but briefly touched on it. Her tone switched and she lets out a heavy sigh -- She swore blamed God again. What she doesn't realize....is that this family is THRIVING WITH NF. But trying to let her that, only frustrates her more SHE has to make the choice to let God in, to heal her wounded heart. The path is her own. Even as hurt as my mother is, God loves her. God knows exactly what she needs......she just needs to let go.
I am being directed and guided down the path I am suposed to be on. I am a woman, who has NF, but if I let that be ALL I am...I am not living up to God's desires for ME. I need to go to Him for my validation.....to make me okay with life. I sure wish I learned this earlier in my life.....but what's so awesome...is that it's NEVER too late!